Bedroom Golf

[Pirate Pete]

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.


2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.


3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.


4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.


5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.


6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.


7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.


8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.


9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.


10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.


12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.


13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.


14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.


15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

[Pirate Pete]

& another one


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping “Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am , drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b*tch, I'm
married!!!".

Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

[Pirate Pete]

& another

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[Pirate Pete]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted

[Pirate Pete]

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Pirate Pete]

http://www.akff.net/forum/download/file.php?id=9915

[Pirate Pete]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to
them.

[Pirate Pete]

THE CLEVER GREEK
>>
>> An old Greek man lived alone in Marrickville. He wanted to
>>dig his tomato
>> garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the
>>ground was very
>> hard.
>>
>> His only son, Spiro, who used to help him, was in prison.
>>The old man wrote
>> a letter to his son and described his predicament.
>>
>> Dear Spiro,
>> I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
>>able to plant my
>> tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
>>digging up a garden
>> plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know
>>you would dig the
>> plot for me.
>> Love Papa
>>
>>
>> A few days later he received a letter from his son.
>>
>> Dear Papa,
>> Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
>> Love Spiro
>>
>>
>> At 4 A.M. the next morning, the NSW Police
>>arrived and dug
>> up the entire area without finding any bodies. They
>>apologized to the old
>> man and left. That same day the old man received another
>>letter from his
>> son.
>>
>>
>> Dear Papa,
>> Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could
>>do under the
>> circumstances.
>> Love Spiro

[Pirate Pete]

Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex!

1) You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

2) It's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

3) The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.

4) If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing in your Whaler, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet.

5) It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

6) If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

7) You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.

There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

9) If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

10) Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?

[Giffo]

Very good PP,did you subscribe to the joke channel to get that many at once?laugh1

[Pirate Pete]

Very good PP,did you subscribe to the joke channel to get that many at once?laugh1

Not quite but I did find a forum with 64 pages of them. Im only about 1/4 the way through so look out yippy yippy yippy

[DvrDve]

less at a time then
give me a smile everyday! lol good ones there

[Pirate Pete]

A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar , they sit at a table , and the bra goes to the bar to order drinks , he says i would like a scotch for myself and a beer for my jumper lead friend , they continue to drink for an hour or so , and by this time they are getting pretty drunk , the bra goes to the bar and says , i would like a scotch for me and a beer for my friend , the barman says , i cant serve you any more drinks because of the responsibility of drinking laws, the bra gets stroppy and demands a drink , the barman says , look mate , i cant do it ,your off your tits and your mates just about to start something

[Pirate Pete]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"

"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."

"Tripod?????"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"

[Pirate Pete]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[Pirate Pete]

Life : Explained


A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

[polyFrank]

Got 2 very short ones.

What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?…..A fridge doesn’t fart when you take the meat out!

What did the blind man say when he passed the wet fish shop?…..Hi girls!

[Pirate Pete]

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you 30?

Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2010:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And thought for today "Life is like a jar of jalepenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".

[Pirate Pete]

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin, 3 hours later saw the same 4 men with the same coffin.

Thought to myself, they've lost the f@#kin plot!

[Pirate Pete]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"


The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Pirate Pete]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

The Pope proceeds onto HWY 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue lights of the State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in." The trooper calls in and asks for the chief.
He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?" replies the chief.
"No Sir!" replied the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the Governor?" replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Is it the PRESIDENT??? replied the chief.
"No! Even more important!" replies the trooper.
"Well WHO is it?" screams the chief.
"I don't know Sir." replies the trooper, but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.

[Pirate Pete]

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place,and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears,


She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to
him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,


'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

[Pirate Pete]

Should children witness childbirth?



Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.



Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again!'



If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

[Pirate Pete]

My son got away from my dad last Sunday at the mall.
My son approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?" My son hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Johnny Walker whiskey and women with big tits."

[Pirate Pete]

An Older Man. ...

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course sir, do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but any time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

[Pirate Pete]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the
Recent death of her husband Earl,
So she decided to just kill herself
And join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it
Over with quickly, she took out Earl's old
Army pistol and made the decision to
Shoot herself in the heart since it was
So badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become
A vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
Her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

'Since you're a woman,'
The doctor said,
'your heart is just below your left breast.
Why do you ask?'

She hung up without answering.

Later that night
Mildred was admitted to the hospital
With a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Pirate Pete]

Don't mess with Kids - they will always win!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." (that one took a second or two to digest ..!)


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[Pirate Pete]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Commonwealth Police Drug Department and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat,and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat
number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

[Pirate Pete]

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born and then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!

[Pirate Pete]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'

The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.

The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'

The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers :

Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.


Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.


PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a good girl.

[Pirate Pete]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.. The astounded

Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now ..what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down















The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[polyFrank]

Very good PP. So Lancelot didn’t get his “Lancelot” title by joisting then!

[Pirate Pete]

Computer Problem

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old from next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to Come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error Before?''

"No" I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it Out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little *#@%.

[Pirate Pete]

http://www.akff.net/forum/download/file.php?id=27226&mode=view

[Pirate Pete]

& one for Bronnie

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, 'I have to take your temperature.'

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

'No, I'm sorry,' the nurse stated, 'but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer.'

This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, 'I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!'

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

'What's going on here?' asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, 'What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'


After a pause, the doctor confessed, 'Not with a carnation.'

[Pirate Pete]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo

[Pirate Pete]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps , were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand
print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped
his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried
to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[Pirate Pete]

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

[Pirate Pete]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.” “The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.” The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.” The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.” The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?” The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.” She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!” The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 21:30 now.”

[Pirate Pete]

New Treatment For Sunburn – Innovation from Qld of course……………………

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admittedafter being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a pain killer and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

[Pirate Pete]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
> His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
> his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'
>
> Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at
> school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
> to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he
> did.
> Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
> behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him
> why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
>
> Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
> God a letter.
>
> LETTER 1:
>
> Dear God,
>
> I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
> birthday. I want a red one.
>
> Your friend, Barry.
>
> Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
> year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
>
> LETTER 2:
>
> Dear God,
>
> This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year,
> and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
>
> Thank you,
>
> Barry.
>
> Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
>
> LETTER 3:
>
> Dear God,
>
> I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for
> my birthday.
>
> Your friend,
>
> Barry.
>
>
> Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very
> upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to
> church.
> Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very
> sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked
> down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to
> see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
> slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street,
> into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and
> sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
>
> Barry began to write his letter to God.
>
> LETTER 4:
>
> I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
>
> IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F*%#ING BIKE!!!

[Pirate Pete]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Betwee n 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF MEN:

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

[Pirate Pete]

Six retired Irishmen are playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500.00 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion Is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.

Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500.00, and is afraid to come Home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

[Pirate Pete]

Mother had 3 virgin daughters who were all getting married in quick succession. As the mother was concerned about their first experiences, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words about what transpired.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

The mother was puzzled at first she went to her kitchen and found the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

The mother found her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.





The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted...

[Pirate Pete]

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany . Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'

[Pirate Pete]

WARNING!!!!!!!!

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should Immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or all of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE), Complete Health and Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme (CHAMPAGNE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Pirate Pete]

Sorry but I had to put this one up for Doug


As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examinations together so that we could travel together.

After my examination, the doctor said, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And, then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining his wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh, that idiot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December and the second time is usually in July!"