View Full Version : Where's your wheelie bin?'"
A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no
answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate!
Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
One lazy Sunday morning a husband and wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when the husband said to the wife unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said:
"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"
A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one.
He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.
"How about that one?" "OK, replies the farmer."
The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, "This one weighs 74 pounds."
"That's amazing," the man says, "are you sure you can tell a pig's weight by using that method?"
"Yep," replies the farmer, "we've used this method in our family for generations."
To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.
"My son can do it too," boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer's son comes over, puts another pig's tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, "This one weighs 83 pounds." The farmer then confirms his son's accuracy with the scale.
"My wife can do it too," says the farmer. "Son, go get your mother."
The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later. "Mom can't come out right now," says the son, "she's busy weighing the mailman."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here.
I have been talking to a 14 year old girl on the internet for a few months now, we have become good friends and I wanted to meet her.
The other day she told me she was a police woman.
How cool is that...a police woman at her age!!!
OK Chin we need to talk about you all this spare time you have on your hands hands.
Cheers Bones
Bloody Funny if is true must feel for the would be robber.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E..S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc....).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Jump in the Chat room team
The Frog and Golf
A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears,
Ribbit 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't See anyone. Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the
Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
'What do you think frog?' The man asks.
'Ribbit 3 wood.'
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog,
'OK where to next?' The frog replies,
'Ribbit Crown Casino..
They go to the Casino and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'
The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man
Figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.
He sits the frog down and Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'
The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.'
He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a young 17-year-old girl.
'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.
So help me God, Or my name is not Ricky Nixon.'
Got a phone call from a mate last night.
He had just got back from a day out in London and told me that whilst there he'd acquired a brand new top of the range camera absolutely free.
I asked, ''Where did you get that?''
He said, ''I met a very nice family from Japan whilst I was in Trafalgar Square and was just passing the time of day with them. After a few minutes I was about to go when the male member of the family asked me if I would mind taking a photograph of them and handed me his camera.
They lined up as a group against one of the lions and were all smiling at the camera.
Just as I was about to click the button I shouted to them, WAVE’ and they all rushed past me and I never saw them again!!''
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!'
So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you -
what do you do? Senior Health Care Solution
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants!
Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!
New teeth? - No problem.
Need glasses? - Great.
New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart?
All covered.
(And your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now).
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax any more.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
No wonder the rest of the world’s population can’t get here fast enough!
A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?
Oh crap!' the blonde says.
I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.
I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.
:D yippy
Two elderly ladies were sitting on the front porch in Noosa Mall, doing nothing.
One lady turned and asked, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replied, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asked, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replied, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asked, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
************************************************** ********
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Noosa reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
************************************************** ********
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Noosa Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
************************************************** ********
Two elderly people living in Noosa, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes.. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Noosa , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Noosa ,
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Apparently speaking English is what kills you.
Thank you to the Bones comical thread !laugh1
polyFrank
09-06-2011, 21:44
Brilliant stuff Bones and shit loads of it.
I think it would have been funnier in your post 15, if the old man was called Doug. For example “A little old Doug shuffled slowly into the Orange Dipper, an ice cream parlor in Noosa! HaHaHaHa.
A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief Named Giffo, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
Chief Giffo said"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief Giffo replied. Indicating a nearby young brave Doug , he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man Bigfella, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's Giffo's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief Giffo proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief Giffo. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief Giffo said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief Giffo replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief Giffo. "Ass too high, run too fast!"
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.
A tough-looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge. So they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?""I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies,"There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is,now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse,looks around and
yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
Brucesta
11-06-2011, 23:09
Duncan the crab
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly,deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you area mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class ofcrustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters camefrom far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing,the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly,painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and allcould see that he was walking, not sideways............but FORWARDS...Yes FORWARDS, one claw after another!!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.There was a deadly hush................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"F*ck, I'm pissed."
Inschy23
12-06-2011, 20:54
An Englishman, an American and an Aussie are all having a pee at the urinal. The American finishes goes to the tap, washes his hands with lots of soap, gets lots of paper and dries his hands. He says "in America the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene." The Englishman finishes, uses a little bit of soap and one piece of towel. He says " in England the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene but also not wasting things and looking after the environment." The Aussie puts his old fella away and walk straight out the door. He says "the first thing we learn in Australia is not to pee on our hands."
BigFella
13-06-2011, 07:53
An Englishman, an American and an Aussie are all having a pee at the urinal. The American finishes goes to the tap, washes his hands with lots of soap, gets lots of paper and dries his hands. He says "in America the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene." The Englishman finishes, uses a little bit of soap and one piece of towel. He says " in England the first thing we learn is cleanliness and hygiene but also not wasting things and looking after the environment." The Aussie puts his old fella away and walk straight out the door. He says "the first thing we learn in Australia is not to pee on our hands."
I believe BONES hasn't learnt that first lesson yet?
20 years together & the wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush.
So if anyone knows another way to get dog shit out of trainers I am all
ears...
My mate’s missus left him last thursday; she said she was going out for
a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping and he
said 'not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff'
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my
wife. They said "is this your wife sir?". Shocked I answered " yes".
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said "I
know, but she has a lovely personality
After both suffering depression for a while me and the wife were going
to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
herself i started to feel a lot better, so i thought what the heck
soldier on..!
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house - Paddy picks up
a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing
this until Murphy says "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because
they're upside down!" says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy "Save
'em for the ceiling!!"
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for
married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
polyFrank
21-06-2011, 21:19
My wife roles over and I beg her to get off before I suffocate.
Two thirty-something women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."
"Oh, that's nothing," responded her friend. "I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached."
"Whoa!" replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde."
PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded.
" Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
" Does she still have the hiccups?"
Paddy on death row gets the choice to be shot,
hanged, or injected with the aids virus for a slow agonising death.
He says "Give me the aids injection."
They inject him and he rolls round the floor laughing.
The warden says "What's so funny?"
Paddy says "I'm wearing a condom!"
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctor.
"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how Boxers get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes," replied the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts."
2thumbsuplaugh1laugh1 Mrs Giffo also had a laugh.
Am I going mad, or has a joke involving feathers gone missing since this morning ?
vBulletin® v3.8.4, Copyright ©2000-2012, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.